Working Through My Fear of Night Driving & To Unknown Places

Feeling The Fear and Doing it Anyway

Fear was taking a hold of me again, and it was causing me to make decisions which were ineffective, time-consuming and not cost-effective at all.  In other words, I was planning on using avoidance tactics.  My daughter’s assertion that ‘I’m making things difficult for myself’, made me rethink my plans, take the bull by the horns and commit to drive to where I needed to go.

I don’t like to drive. Whilst I consider myself a good driver and have driven for many years, I prefer the convenience of getting from A to B but not the journey itself.
Traffic has become very busy and heavy since I passed my driving test many decades ago and, to cap it all, I detest driving at night.
Everything becomes very distorted and there are shadows everywhere.  I find that I have to drive much slower than the general traffic, and drivers become so very impatient that I have to force myself not to allow them to intimidate me… Worse of all is driving at night, whilst it’s raining!

I planned to go to Oxford from London to visit my grand-daughter.
She’d just started university there and I wanted to see how she was settling in and take her some home-cooked goodies, which she was looking forward to having.  I’ve never been to Oxford before – by any form of transportation – but I felt much safer taking the train, and had worked out that I could get the train from Paddington to Oxford, and a bus or taxi to her college.

The Motivation To Face My Fear

My daughter asked me about my travel plans and when I told her she flipped! ‘Why do you want to spend so much time and money to go all the way to Paddington to get a train that will take forever to get to your destination, and then  have to get from the station to the college?’ ‘By the time you get there, it’ll be time to just turn around and come back!’ ‘You’d be spending most of your time travelling instead of spending it with L, which is the reason you’re going there at all!”

There it was, she said it and I had to agree.  FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!.  So, I took a deep breath, decided to ‘think’ driving and ‘visualise’ how I was going to do this.
First, Google Maps, to see how far Oxford was from my starting point; the roads which will take me there and the nearest petrol station to fill up at the start of my journey, (I do worry about running out of fuel when I have to drive long distances) and to see how long it would take me to get there.

Well, I started out ok, though still somewhat nervous and anxious, filled up with fuel where I’d planned and went on my way. Traffic was the usual very busy, busy and I drove as slow as I could whilst following the Sat Nav and looking at the road signs for the first slip-road.  Things were going well.
I was between a huge, high-sided lorry on my left – (ugh! I hate lorries which always block my view) – and a car sped up behind me just as I was about to take the slip road I needed. SOMEONE BLEW THEIR HORN ON MY RIGHT!!!

My heart jumped! Bloody hell! ‘Who did that!?” “Why are they blowing their horn!?”  “I was in my right lane, going at the same speed as the traffic, indicated my left turn”….all these thoughts went through my head as I missed my turning and took the next slip road…
Damn! and Damn!

As I suspected, my first wrong turning. Thank God for the Sat Nav, which quickly re-routed me.
I missed 2 more turnings but I became more relaxed until I arrived in Oxford and encountered a huge and confusing roundabout.  The Sat Nav came to my rescue again, and I finally arrived at my destination.

I spent some quality time with L, looked around where her college is located, ate out together, took photos and caught up with the family gossip…and then it was time to get back on the road to go home; at a time I knew would be more challenging for me…Driving in the dark…

We said our goodbyes…hugs and kisses and then I set off.  It was still light but, by the time I reached that roundabout with its confused turn-offs it was quite dark, and my stress level began to rise.
I missed my turning, came back to my starting point on the roundabout, and missed it again!

I decided that since the Sat Nav took me safely to Oxford, that it will take me home again. I wasn’t going back to that bloomin’ roundabout again. I wanted to get off the road and get home.  So, I continued to drive and the road became narrower and narrower, more empty and the darkness became thicker and heavier.

I found myself on a lonely road through the countryside, which cuts through sparsely located dwellings, and I grew anxious.  However, I kept telling myself that I must come on to a main road – soon. I looked at the fuel gauge and comforted myself that I had more than enough to take me home.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I finally came out to the main road.  This looks more promising.  More traffic, more lighting and a bigger road.

I must say that the rest of the return journey went quite well, though my awareness was heightened all the time.  I made no more wrong turnings, but I was still ever watchful.
The night-time objects can be somewhat distorted, but at least it wasn’t raining.
Soon I was back on to an ‘A’ road which I knew would take me home.
I really relaxed when I recognised landmarks and I knew that I’d done it.

When I reached home, I was pleasantly surprised to find that with the wrong turnings and lengthy drive down that dark country road and missing the ‘M’ road, that I made it home in good time.
It only seemed a long time because I was anxious and it was at night.
I can truthfully say that I was extremely proud of myself and my cup of tea was very welcome.

I am pleased with myself. I did it; no mishaps; and I did it safely.
I just needed to plan what I needed to do, see myself doing it and be confident about my ability to do it; and that following the Sat Nav will take me there.
Having someone behind you to encourage, make you think and revise your negative thought processes will stop taking avoidance measures and allow you to ‘take yourself in hand’ and get moving.
I know now that I can do it.

Another knock-out to fear!

Click HERE to see the previous post in the ‘Fear’ series

Click HERE to see the next post in the ‘Fear’ series

References

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/recovery-road/201405/what-is-fear
https://edition.cnn.com/2015/10/29/health/science-of-fear/index.html
https://kriscarr.com/blog/how-to-overcome-fear
www.paulekeman.com/universal-emotions/what-is.fear
https://m.wikihow.com/Stop-Living-in-Fear
Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers